Rock On

Do you guys remember pet rocks? What a genius business idea. It’s a true entrepreneur that realizes you can pick something off of the ground in someones from yard, put it in a box, and sell it back to them for $4. In this case that entrepreneur was Gary Dahl in 1975, whom I assume up until this point in his life was a sad little man that did no more than go to work, do his job, and go home. It wasn’t until he decided to sell everyday rocks to people that he became a millionaire. That’s right - millions of dollars selling people rocks. This guy is like my hero, but honestly anyone who bought these rocks were complete idiots.

My pets rock’s name was Rocco. Except that wasn’t really his name because I can’t remember it. I’m actually pretty sure it was something more along the lines of Frank or Benjamin because I, for some reason, think it’s funny to give pets human names. I got him from the Grand Canyon gift shop when I was younger. He was one of the best pets I’ve ever had! He was obedient, he knew plenty of tricks, and the care and maintenance was below that of any other pet I’ve owned. And that’s saying something because I had some fish once that basically took care of themselves. One time I went on a trip for a few weeks and forgot to feed them and sure enough when I got back they were still swimming. I always suspected from then on that they had formed some sort of society in the little tank and became self-sufficient. I couldn’t handle the fact that they no longer needed me and our relationship deteriorated. One day I looked into the tank and they were gone. No note or anything. No idea where they went. They were small clear fish and one had a big green tail. If you see them please let me know. I think it's worth trying to reconcile our relationship.

ANYWAY... As I said, Rocco knew about 5 tricks, which is more than I’ve ever taught any dog or other pet I’ve ever had. He could sit, stay, come, rollover, and attack. Those last three took a little help from me, but c’mon it’s a rock, I’m just proud he learned any tricks at all! I don’t know what happened to him either tho. All I know is there was a time in my life when i had a pet rock and I don’t have one now. I’m not sure what the lifespan is of a rock, but I imagine it’s something like a million years, so the only logical conclusion is that he was stolen. What a terrible crime to steal a pet rock from a kid. That should definitely be punishable by jail time.

It’s worth Mentioning that Gary Dahl came up with this idea in a bar. I’m sure a lot of history’s greatest ideas were born from inebriation. Think of the telephone. Either Alexander Graham Bell was crazy, or he was drunk when he came up with that one. Like “hey man how about this: what if you could talk to someone... that wasn’t even here!” I’m sure the answer was something like: “that one’s crazy, I still like your idea for cat socks that sweep your floor as they walk around.” I’m glad Alex chose the telephone. I actually came up with a business idea in a bar just the other day. I can’t tell you what it is (patent pending), but I will tell you that it’s genius. Well, genius is a stretch, but it’s not bad. i guess I shouldn’t have mentioned it since i can’t tell you what it is. It’s like when someone says “There’s something I really want to tell you but I’m not going to.” How annoying is that? Of course 90% of the time they end up telling you anyway, but this is part of the 10%.

What else can I say about rocks? What’s with rock, paper, scissors? There is no way that paper would win in any situation in that game. I guess they say paper covers rock, but so what? I guess it’s a minor inconvenience for rock if it was trying to get some sun, but in all the other situations the winner demolishes the loser; rock smashes scissors apart or scissors cut paper up. Screw that game. The only time that was fun was when we turned it into a drinking game and you just drink every time you lose, which is a good game if you are trying to finish a beer in 30 seconds, but the regular rock, paper, scissors is a messed up game that should not have made it this far.

Dedicated in memory of Rocco... or Frank or Ben whatever his name was